The day’s end, another moment to reflect.

Dearest Diary,

Have you ever felt stuck between wanting change and fearing the effort it takes to make it happen? That’s where I find myself today, halfway through January, surrounded by conversations about New Year’s resolutions.

Some people proudly share their progress, others admit defeat, and some stay silent, avoiding the topic entirely. It’s fascinating to me, really. As the saying goes, “Old habits die hard,” and building new ones isn’t any easier.

The Science of Habits
Habits are deeply ingrained in us, often tied to comfort or coping mechanisms. Research in Psychological Science (2018) highlights that building habits is most successful when tied to positive reinforcement rather than guilt. Perhaps that’s why this daily writing has been easier to stick with—it feels like a space to explore, not a chore to complete.

But I’ll admit, writing hasn’t always been easy. Some entries have pushed me to confront uncomfortable truths about myself. Am I too negative? Am I flawed beyond repair? These thoughts can be overwhelming, but they also remind me that growth begins with self-awareness.

This habit is about more than just writing—it’s about facing my past. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in it, and I’m realizing that to build a better future, I need to confront what I’ve locked away.

Why the Gym?
Another habit I’ve been grappling with is going back to the gym. It’s one of the most common New Year’s resolutions, yet also one of the hardest to maintain. Statistically, only about 9% of people feel they successfully keep their resolutions, according to a study by Statista (2022).

I used to go regularly in high school. But during college, life got busy, new habits formed, and the gym fell to the wayside. I didn’t think much of it until my own body started to change—a slow, subtle shift that no one seemed to notice but me. My closest friend once called it a mild form of body dysmorphia, and maybe that’s true.

The reality is, comparisons are everywhere—TV, social media, even in casual conversations. Over time, they feed into this nagging thought: If only I looked like that…

The Turning Point
Two years ago, something shifted. It’s a longer story that I’ll share another day, but it left me with a loss of appetite and a growing disconnect from my body. I didn’t starve myself, but I leaned into work as a distraction and tried to control what I ate. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t lead to happiness—or even the physical changes I hoped for.

Eventually, I came to terms with my body. I told myself I was fine, even if I didn’t entirely believe it. And then, last year, I joined the gym.

I told myself it was for me, but if I’m honest, the real motivator was seeing an ex. I wanted to look my best, and in a way, that was still doing it for myself. After the event passed, though, I stopped going. My goal had been met, and with it, my motivation disappeared.

Excuses and Anxiety
Returning to the gym feels daunting. There’s the fear of being judged—Will they notice how long it’s been? Will they think I’m just another resolutioner?—and the anxiety of not being perfect.

Research in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine (2017) shows that most people at the gym are focused on their own goals, not on judging others. Still, the internal narrative is hard to shake.

The perfectionist in me wants to avoid any chance of embarrassment. But I also know that growth requires vulnerability. I can’t let these imagined judgments hold me back.

Looking Ahead
So here I am, still trying to rebuild this habit. Today is Wednesday, and I’m 3 for 0 this week—not in attendance, but in the number of times I’ve sat with the nerves and thought about going.

I haven’t made it through the doors yet, but I’m learning to make peace with the hesitation. Each day, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to take small steps toward big goals. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I go. And if it’s not, that’s okay too. Progress, for me, starts with showing up for myself mentally—one thought, one decision at a time.

Thank you, Diary, for being a space where I can process these thoughts and hold myself accountable. Here’s to building habits that last and finding the strength to keep going.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!