Day 19: Building My Health Team
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Why is it so easy to push aside our health until it demands our attention?
Before diving into this, let me share a dream I had recently. In the dream, someone I know stumbled across my diary. While they promised to keep it private and free of judgment, it stirred something in me: a fear of losing the freedom to write so openly.
Would their perception of me change? Would they misunderstand my thoughts?
Upon waking, I realized that this space is my sanctuary—a safe corner of the internet where I can process without judgment. It’s a reminder of why I started this journey: to encourage vulnerability and growth, both for myself and for anyone who finds these words.
The Overlooked Health Team
We often view life as a solo journey or, at times, a team effort. But one team that often gets overlooked is the health team—the people dedicated to keeping us physically and mentally well.
Ideally, our health team would cheer us on, ensuring we live our best lives. But in reality, hurdles like insurance, cost, and time often make this feel unattainable. Even the simplest acts, like scheduling a checkup, can feel daunting.
I once discussed this with my hairstylist. They mentioned how challenging it is to find time for their own hair appointments, despite it being their livelihood. It’s ironic, isn’t it? We prioritize appearances—haircuts, polished outfits—yet often neglect the foundation: our health.
Building My Team, One Step at a Time
Reflecting on the past few years, I’ve slowly been assembling my health team:
1. The Dentist: This was my first step. After my childhood dentist retired, I went through trial and error to find someone I trusted.
2. The Optometrist: Driven by a specific concern (dry eye), I found a specialist who also handled routine exams. It felt manageable—a small, focused step.
3. The Physician: Last year, I established care with a primary doctor. It’s tricky to build rapport when you only meet annually, but I’m hopeful this relationship will grow.
Each addition felt daunting at first, but every step reinforced the value of prioritizing my health.
Why Is This So Hard?
It’s easy to let health take a backseat to the daily grind. Weather, packed schedules, and sheer inertia often make health appointments feel like just another chore. And let’s not forget the rabbit hole of online symptom searches—always leading to worst-case scenarios.
Studies support this. Research published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking (2020) highlights that “cyberchondria,” or anxiety fueled by online health searches, often leads to unnecessary stress. Meanwhile, the Journal of General Internal Medicine (2018) found that delaying preventive care increases the likelihood of avoidable complications.
Reframing My Mindset
Despite the challenges, I’m choosing to view health as an investment, not an inconvenience. Building my health team isn’t about perfection—it’s about creating a support system for the long haul.
Here’s my plan moving forward:
1. Stop procrastinating. I’ll schedule the checkups I’ve been avoiding, starting with a specialist for lingering concerns.
2. Focus on holistic care. Beyond routine visits, I’ll explore mental and emotional well-being—perhaps adding a therapist to my team.
3. Practice self-compassion. I’ll remind myself that taking care of my health is a form of self-respect, not selfishness.
A Lesson in Helping Others
Diary, this journey isn’t just about me. It’s also about being there for others. If I’m fortunate enough to find my way to better health, I hope to share what I’ve learned.
Whether it’s offering advice, lending a listening ear, or simply encouraging someone to take their first step, I want to support others as they navigate their own paths.
Thank you, Diary, for being my sounding board and reminder to keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you prioritize your health team? Share your experiences below!
Posts Tagged → #PandorasCurio
Day 16: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Have you ever felt like sleep is playing an elaborate game of hide-and-seek with you? The more you chase it, the further it retreats. That’s where I find myself tonight, trapped in a cycle of restless thoughts and fruitless attempts to drift off.
What Am I to Do?
Here I am again, alternating between making friends with the ceiling and exchanging glances with the nearest wall. My thoughts run rampant, crafting fantastical bedtime stories that hold me captive. I know I need to sleep—work looms, and the misery of exhaustion during the day is inevitable. But even as the clock ticks away, my mind won’t relent.
I wish I could cocoon myself in my blanket, block out the world, and drift into oblivion. Instead, I lie here, wrestling with the nagging fear of oversleeping and the growing ache of frustration.
The Usual Suspects
Was it the caffeine? The overstimulation from digital screens? Or maybe the three-hour “nap” earlier today that’s throwing off my sleep cycle? Research from Sleep Health (2017) found that late naps can disrupt natural sleep patterns, pushing the body’s internal clock out of sync.
And let’s not forget the impact of overthinking. According to a study in the Journal of Anxiety and Stress Management (2021), racing thoughts can heighten arousal, making it harder for the brain to transition into sleep.
Whatever the cause, here I am—caught between begging for sleep and bargaining with myself.
A Shocking Solution
With every passing minute, my options narrow. Should I just stay up? After all, I could leave for work early and clock out sooner. But all-nighters don’t come as easily as they once did. And falling asleep an hour before my alarm will only leave me groggy and irritable.
Maybe it’s time to try something new.
Have you ever heard of shock bracelets? They’re exactly what they sound like—alarms that deliver a mild electric shock to wake you up. I first discovered them when spending the night with my ex. At the time, I thought it sounded torturous, but curiosity eventually got the better of me.
Months later, after struggling to wake up consistently, I decided to give it a shot. Setting it up was easy, thanks to the app. Testing it, however, was a different story.
The default shock was 30%, barely noticeable. So, I increased it—50%, 70%, 100%. It wasn’t painful, but it was definitely attention-grabbing. Enough to wake someone? I’m not sure. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Holding Out Hope
Now the bracelet is set, my alarm is programmed, and I’m bracing myself for the jolt. As strange as it sounds, I’m hopeful this might be the thing to break the cycle.
Sleep deprivation isn’t just frustrating—it can have lasting effects. Research in the Journal of Sleep Research (2019) shows that chronic sleep loss impairs memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation. It’s a reminder that finding a solution is worth the effort.
Diary, thank you for letting me ramble. My eyelids are finally feeling heavy, and I’m crossing my fingers that tonight’s experiment will be a success. Here’s hoping for rest and a fresh start tomorrow.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—have you ever tried something unconventional to get better sleep? Leave a comment or connect with me on social!
Day 15: Try
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Have you ever felt stuck between wanting change and fearing the effort it takes to make it happen? That’s where I find myself today, halfway through January, surrounded by conversations about New Year’s resolutions.
Some people proudly share their progress, others admit defeat, and some stay silent, avoiding the topic entirely. It’s fascinating to me, really. As the saying goes, “Old habits die hard,” and building new ones isn’t any easier.
The Science of Habits
Habits are deeply ingrained in us, often tied to comfort or coping mechanisms. Research in Psychological Science (2018) highlights that building habits is most successful when tied to positive reinforcement rather than guilt. Perhaps that’s why this daily writing has been easier to stick with—it feels like a space to explore, not a chore to complete.
But I’ll admit, writing hasn’t always been easy. Some entries have pushed me to confront uncomfortable truths about myself. Am I too negative? Am I flawed beyond repair? These thoughts can be overwhelming, but they also remind me that growth begins with self-awareness.
This habit is about more than just writing—it’s about facing my past. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in it, and I’m realizing that to build a better future, I need to confront what I’ve locked away.
Why the Gym?
Another habit I’ve been grappling with is going back to the gym. It’s one of the most common New Year’s resolutions, yet also one of the hardest to maintain. Statistically, only about 9% of people feel they successfully keep their resolutions, according to a study by Statista (2022).
I used to go regularly in high school. But during college, life got busy, new habits formed, and the gym fell to the wayside. I didn’t think much of it until my own body started to change—a slow, subtle shift that no one seemed to notice but me. My closest friend once called it a mild form of body dysmorphia, and maybe that’s true.
The reality is, comparisons are everywhere—TV, social media, even in casual conversations. Over time, they feed into this nagging thought: If only I looked like that…
The Turning Point
Two years ago, something shifted. It’s a longer story that I’ll share another day, but it left me with a loss of appetite and a growing disconnect from my body. I didn’t starve myself, but I leaned into work as a distraction and tried to control what I ate. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t lead to happiness—or even the physical changes I hoped for.
Eventually, I came to terms with my body. I told myself I was fine, even if I didn’t entirely believe it. And then, last year, I joined the gym.
I told myself it was for me, but if I’m honest, the real motivator was seeing an ex. I wanted to look my best, and in a way, that was still doing it for myself. After the event passed, though, I stopped going. My goal had been met, and with it, my motivation disappeared.
Excuses and Anxiety
Returning to the gym feels daunting. There’s the fear of being judged—Will they notice how long it’s been? Will they think I’m just another resolutioner?—and the anxiety of not being perfect.
Research in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine (2017) shows that most people at the gym are focused on their own goals, not on judging others. Still, the internal narrative is hard to shake.
The perfectionist in me wants to avoid any chance of embarrassment. But I also know that growth requires vulnerability. I can’t let these imagined judgments hold me back.
Looking Ahead
So here I am, still trying to rebuild this habit. Today is Wednesday, and I’m 3 for 0 this week—not in attendance, but in the number of times I’ve sat with the nerves and thought about going.
I haven’t made it through the doors yet, but I’m learning to make peace with the hesitation. Each day, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to take small steps toward big goals. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I go. And if it’s not, that’s okay too. Progress, for me, starts with showing up for myself mentally—one thought, one decision at a time.
Thank you, Diary, for being a space where I can process these thoughts and hold myself accountable. Here’s to building habits that last and finding the strength to keep going.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!
Day 14: The Climb
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Have you ever felt like the harder you work, the more is expected of you? Lately, I’ve been wrestling with that question, wondering how I ended up in this cycle of constant effort with little to show for it.
Sometimes it feels like people expect too much. When something appears effortless, it’s easy for others to assume it’s simple. The reality is, even the easiest tasks take time, and time is the most valuable asset we have.
The Weight of Disparity
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how time and effort often feel undervalued. Picture this: ten complex tasks completed within an hour, compared to someone else handling a fraction of that workload for a higher reward. It’s a disparity that’s hard to ignore, especially when the contributions feel visibly unbalanced.
Research in the Journal of Occupational Health (2018) highlights how perceived inequities in effort and reward can lead to burnout. It’s no wonder the frustration feels so draining—it’s hard to maintain motivation when the scales feel perpetually tipped against you.
A Familiar Frustration
Systemically, I understand there are flaws—a level of persuasion, maybe even manipulation, to get what you want in the workplace. Managers do it, and employees mirror it in their own way. But this frustration isn’t new. It lingered six months ago and likely even further back.
What makes it harder to process this time is the sense of being misled. I was promised that by taking this position, I’d quickly move up. Instead, when the next level came, the promises fell short. Yes, I made my case and received an adjustment, but it still wasn’t what was initially offered.
And now, I find myself training team members who’ve been here longer, all while earning less.
Interestingly, a study in Industrial Relations (2020) found that pay transparency often reduces feelings of inequity and improves morale. It makes me wonder how much frustration could be avoided if everyone knew where they stood.
The Cost of Raising the Bar
To circle back, being asked to take on additional duties feels like a slap in the face. What part of my already full plate am I supposed to clear without it seeming like I’m slacking? Through my own doing, I’ve raised the bar of expectations so high that if I were to match the effort of others, I’d be seen as underperforming.
It’s a frustrating cycle: trying to exceed expectations to prove worth, only to feel trapped by those very expectations.
The Illusion of Security
As the world shifts and industries face uncertainty, there’s a sense of comfort in striving for job security. But here’s the catch: job security, as I once learned in a psychology class, isn’t what people seek anymore. Instead, they focus on building skills—tools that grant freedom and opportunity.
Research in the Journal of Applied Psychology (2016) highlights how emotional comfort in familiar routines often outweighs the potential benefits of change. It’s a reminder of why seeking security feels easier than embracing growth.
The Fear of Change
Change disrupts the comfort of familiarity—be it the people, the routine, or the benefits. By chasing security, I’ve traded growth for continuity, adaptability for stability. It’s a hard trade, but it’s one I’ve willingly made for now.
Closing Thoughts
I know this is something I’ll need to revisit in the future, hopefully this year. For now, though, I feel a bit lighter having shared this with you, Diary. Thanks for listening as always.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!
Day 12: Blurred Boundaries
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Have you ever smiled through a conversation, secretly wishing it would end? That’s where I found myself today, navigating the fine line between politeness and honesty.
There’s a saying that “children are a blessing.” I won’t dive into the philosophy or debates surrounding that statement, at least not today.
Instead, I find myself reflecting on the social dynamics of being a single person spending time with friends who have children. It’s not about jealousy or dislike—it’s more about finding balance in the unspoken rules of sharing.
The Fine Line of Show and Tell
As a proud parent, it’s natural to want to share your child’s milestones, adorable quirks, and proud moments. But sometimes, as the audience, I wonder: how do we navigate this space gracefully?
I’ll admit something that might be unpopular: not every child looks “cute” to me. Beauty, after all, is subjective, and parents see their children through a lens of unconditional love. That’s how it should be. But for those of us on the outside, caught in endless rounds of photos and stories, it can sometimes feel overwhelming.
Interestingly, research in the Journal of Child and Family Studies (2019) found that many parents share their child’s achievements as a way to connect with others or seek validation. This makes sense. After all, what parent wouldn’t want to celebrate their child’s milestones?
The Dance of Politeness and Enthusiasm
As someone who tends to avoid confrontation, I often smile, nod, and offer the expected responses:
“Oh, that’s adorable!”
“Wow, they’re growing up so fast!”
“You must be so proud.”
It’s not insincere—I genuinely want to share in their joy. But there are moments when the enthusiasm feels forced, and the guilt of not being 100% authentic begins to weigh on me.
Research in the Journal of Pragmatics (2015) highlights how politeness strategies are often used to preserve relationships, even if it means sacrificing honesty. For people-pleasers like me, this balancing act can feel exhausting.
Over-Sharing vs. Connection
I’ve often wondered: how do we know when we’re oversharing? As someone who values self-awareness, I try to catch myself when I’m dominating a conversation. Maybe it’s when the other person stops asking follow-up questions, starts glancing at their phone, or subtly steps back.
Research in Social Psychology Quarterly (2014) highlights how nonverbal cues—like turning away, pointing feet elsewhere, or avoiding eye contact—can signal disengagement. It’s a subtle language I’ve come to rely on.
But not everyone picks up on these cues. And honestly, in moments of excitement, who can blame them?
Learning from Others
A friend of mine is the most blunt person I know. If she’s not interested in something, she’ll simply say so:
“Do you have a moment?” No.
“Want to try this?” No.
“How about we…?” No.
While her honesty can feel refreshing, it can also sting. I find myself comparing her approach to mine and wondering: could I be more like that? Or would I risk alienating people by being too direct?
Perhaps it’s the INFJ in me that makes me hesitant. I overanalyze, weigh every response, and strive to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. But that constant mental gymnastics can be exhausting.
Finding My Balance
So where does that leave me? I’m not sure yet. But I’m learning to recognize that maintaining balance in relationships—whether with parents, friends, or strangers—is an ongoing process.
Thank you, Diary, for being a space where I can unpack these thoughts. Here’s to figuring it out, one awkward conversation at a time.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!
Day 11: Fixing a Hole
The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,
Oh, Saturdays… or perhaps it’s more fitting to say, Oh, weekends.
It really depends on who you ask. For some, Saturdays and Sundays are days of relaxation, unwinding, and catching up with friends. For others, they’re packed with chores and errands that can’t be squeezed into the workweek.
But what happens when you start to feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day, let alone the week?
The Automatic Rhythm of Chores
Lucky are those who find peace in the rhythm of everyday tasks—a kind of momentary zen in folding laundry, washing dishes, or tidying up. Maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment or the comforting predictability of these small rituals.
For me, chores like laundry are usually mindless and simple. Load the washer, maybe separate the colors, let the machine hum in the background, then move the clothes to the dryer or hang them on the line. The gentle tumble of the dryer becomes a soothing lull, a quiet moment before the inevitable folding and putting away.
But sometimes, even in the autopilot of routine, things can go awry.
When Laundry Bites Back
Tonight was one of those nights. Somewhere between the simplicity of loading the washer and the dryer’s final buzz, disaster struck.
As I pulled the warm clothes from the dryer, I noticed random spots dotting my once-clean whites—stains that hadn’t been there before. Confused, I dug through the pile until I found the culprit: a piece of chocolate, partially unwrapped, had melted into a sticky, heartbreaking mess.
The wash didn’t catch it, of course, since I used cold water. But the heat of the dryer did its work, transforming a tiny square of sweetness into a new chore waiting to happen.
Lessons in Pockets and Lint
This isn’t my first laundry mishap, Diary. There was the time I accidentally left a paperback book tucked between clothes when I dumped the basket into the washer. It came out shredded into fine lint, clinging stubbornly to every fiber.
That lesson came with hours of trial and error, running the clothes in the dryer over and over while clearing the lint trap like clockwork. And yet, here I am, late into the night, cleaning up after my oversight again.
Finding Grace in the Mess
Research in The Journal of Consumer Research (2017) found that engaging in repetitive, mindless tasks can lead to moments of reflection and creative problem-solving. Perhaps that’s the hidden beauty of chores: they teach us patience, remind us to slow down, and give us space to think.
Another study in The International Journal of Stress Management (2015) highlights how mundane activities, when approached mindfully, can reduce stress and promote a sense of accomplishment.
So, maybe even this chocolate-stained mess has its silver lining. It’s a reminder to double-check pockets (or baskets) and to embrace the imperfections of routine.
Thank you, Diary, for letting me vent about this messy, chocolate-filled night. Here’s to hoping tomorrow’s chores come with fewer surprises.
Yours in letters, always,
Pandora
P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!