Day 20: This is me

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.


Dearest Diary,

What would my life look like if I truly stopped caring about what others think of me?

There’s something about the Arctic chill that seems to coax us into deeper introspection. Maybe it’s the stillness of the day, the way it amplifies the thoughts we carry with us. As I reflected today, I realized how much of my life has been shaped by the narratives others create about me—and the ones I create for myself.


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Rumors and Perception: A Double-Edged Sword

I’ve often told myself that other people’s opinions don’t matter. Rumors? If they’re untrue, there’s no point in addressing them. If they’re true, I can only own my actions and move forward. But this indifference comes with its own challenges.

Rumors are a complex mix of illusion, truth, and projection. They have the power to shape not only how others see us but also how we see ourselves. Studies published in the Journal of Social Psychology (2021) found that persistent exposure to negative narratives—even false ones—can significantly impact self-esteem and mental health.

There was a time when rumors controlled me. They fed my insecurities and stole my joy. I built a wall to shield myself—a barrier of defiance, maybe even ego. While it protected me, it also isolated me. Over time, I learned to navigate this balance, understanding that while I can’t control others’ perceptions, I can control how much I let them define me.


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The College Experiment: Lessons in Self-Discovery

In college, I treated this understanding almost like a social experiment. When rumors reached me, I remained vague, letting others interpret my words as they wished. This led to vastly different perceptions among different groups. Some admired me; others mistrusted me.

Looking back, I realize this wasn’t about manipulating others—it was about exploring my identity. Studies in Psychological Science (2019) suggest that young adults often experiment with social roles as part of their identity formation. While this experimentation can foster growth, it also risks creating disconnects between one’s authentic self and the image they project.

For me, this experiment taught two lessons: I have the power to shape my narrative, but I must stay true to myself. Authenticity isn’t about perfection; it’s about alignment—between who I am and who I present to the world.


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Gratitude and Growth

These reflections have led me to gratitude. This diary has become a space to unburden my insecurities, to process my thoughts, and to chart my growth. But writing is a double-edged sword. While it helps me confront my inner dialogue, it can also amplify negativity if I’m not careful.

Research in Frontiers in Psychology (2018) highlights the importance of practicing gratitude, even during challenging times. Gratitude doesn’t erase struggles, but it reframes them, reminding us to seek light in small, everyday moments.


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Navigating Vulnerability: The Fear of Being Found

Still, I can’t deny the lingering fear: what if someone I know discovers Pandora? What if they judge me for the vulnerabilities I’ve shared?

This thought doesn’t deter me—it motivates me. If someone chooses to read these entries, I hope they see the humanity within them. My goal isn’t to project perfection but to embrace the messy, imperfect journey of self-discovery.


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Reframing Comparison and Control

Comparison often feeds into these fears, making it easy to question my worth based on others’ perceptions or achievements. But as I mentioned in my earlier reflection on comparison (Day 18), it’s a thief of joy. The antidote lies in focusing on my journey—not in how others perceive it, but in how I live it.

Psychologist Brené Brown reminds us in her work that vulnerability is the birthplace of connection. By sharing our authentic selves, we open the door for deeper relationships—not just with others but also with ourselves.


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A Ray of Light

Diary, as I continue this journey, I promise to celebrate progress, acknowledge setbacks, and seek light wherever I can. Life isn’t about being flawless; it’s about showing up, trying, and growing.

To anyone reading this, thank you for being part of this process. Let’s look for the light together, one step at a time.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you balance others’ perceptions with staying true to yourself? Share your story below!

Day 19: Stronger

Day 19: Building My Health Team

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,

Why is it so easy to push aside our health until it demands our attention?

Before diving into this, let me share a dream I had recently. In the dream, someone I know stumbled across my diary. While they promised to keep it private and free of judgment, it stirred something in me: a fear of losing the freedom to write so openly.

Would their perception of me change? Would they misunderstand my thoughts?

Upon waking, I realized that this space is my sanctuary—a safe corner of the internet where I can process without judgment. It’s a reminder of why I started this journey: to encourage vulnerability and growth, both for myself and for anyone who finds these words.

The Overlooked Health Team
We often view life as a solo journey or, at times, a team effort. But one team that often gets overlooked is the health team—the people dedicated to keeping us physically and mentally well.

Ideally, our health team would cheer us on, ensuring we live our best lives. But in reality, hurdles like insurance, cost, and time often make this feel unattainable. Even the simplest acts, like scheduling a checkup, can feel daunting.

I once discussed this with my hairstylist. They mentioned how challenging it is to find time for their own hair appointments, despite it being their livelihood. It’s ironic, isn’t it? We prioritize appearances—haircuts, polished outfits—yet often neglect the foundation: our health.

Building My Team, One Step at a Time
Reflecting on the past few years, I’ve slowly been assembling my health team:

1. The Dentist: This was my first step. After my childhood dentist retired, I went through trial and error to find someone I trusted.


2. The Optometrist: Driven by a specific concern (dry eye), I found a specialist who also handled routine exams. It felt manageable—a small, focused step.


3. The Physician: Last year, I established care with a primary doctor. It’s tricky to build rapport when you only meet annually, but I’m hopeful this relationship will grow.



Each addition felt daunting at first, but every step reinforced the value of prioritizing my health.

Why Is This So Hard?
It’s easy to let health take a backseat to the daily grind. Weather, packed schedules, and sheer inertia often make health appointments feel like just another chore. And let’s not forget the rabbit hole of online symptom searches—always leading to worst-case scenarios.

Studies support this. Research published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking (2020) highlights that “cyberchondria,” or anxiety fueled by online health searches, often leads to unnecessary stress. Meanwhile, the Journal of General Internal Medicine (2018) found that delaying preventive care increases the likelihood of avoidable complications.

Reframing My Mindset
Despite the challenges, I’m choosing to view health as an investment, not an inconvenience. Building my health team isn’t about perfection—it’s about creating a support system for the long haul.

Here’s my plan moving forward:

1. Stop procrastinating. I’ll schedule the checkups I’ve been avoiding, starting with a specialist for lingering concerns.


2. Focus on holistic care. Beyond routine visits, I’ll explore mental and emotional well-being—perhaps adding a therapist to my team.


3. Practice self-compassion. I’ll remind myself that taking care of my health is a form of self-respect, not selfishness.



A Lesson in Helping Others
Diary, this journey isn’t just about me. It’s also about being there for others. If I’m fortunate enough to find my way to better health, I hope to share what I’ve learned.

Whether it’s offering advice, lending a listening ear, or simply encouraging someone to take their first step, I want to support others as they navigate their own paths.

Thank you, Diary, for being my sounding board and reminder to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you prioritize your health team? Share your experiences below!

Day 18

Day 18: scars to your beautiful

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.
Dearest Diary,

Why is it so easy to compare ourselves to others, even when we know it hurts us?

Comparison—it’s something we all do, whether we want to admit it or not. It starts innocently enough, but soon, it chips away at our joy, leaving us questioning our worth. The saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and tonight, I find myself reflecting on just how true that can be.

The Subtle Trap of Comparison
When we compare ourselves to others, we often lose sight of our own progress. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2017) found that upward social comparison—comparing ourselves to those we perceive as better off—can lead to feelings of inadequacy and diminished self-esteem.

For me, it’s not about looking down on others or even finding comfort in shared struggles. It’s about seeing the curated, seemingly perfect lives of others and wondering, Why not me?

When Did This Begin?
As kids, comparisons often motivated us—to try harder, learn new skills, or celebrate others’ successes. But somewhere along the way, it changed. During adolescence, it became less about growth and more about measuring worth.

A study published in Developmental Psychology (2018) highlights that adolescence is a critical period for social comparison, often exacerbated by social media. The curated lives we see online reinforce unrealistic standards, feeding self-doubt and envy.

I’ve been there—wishing for flawless skin, better talents, or a seemingly effortless life. But as I’ve grown, I’ve realized that no one’s life is as perfect as it seems.

Reframing the Narrative
Through conversations with friends and self-reflection, I’ve come to understand that everyone’s journey is unique. A study in Cognitive Therapy and Research (2019) found that practicing self-compassion can significantly reduce the negative effects of comparison. By focusing on our own paths, we can break free from the cycle of envy and self-doubt.

Recently, I caught myself slipping back into comparison. Seeing others two steps ahead in their careers triggered old insecurities. But instead of spiraling, I’m choosing to reframe:

Use it as inspiration. Instead of envy, I see their paths as blueprints. If I want a similar role, I can learn from their journey.

Check my motivations. Am I chasing this goal because it’s truly mine, or because it’s what’s expected?


Different Tools, Different Journeys
Comparison will always find its way into low moments—it’s part of being human. But we all start with different tools and face unique challenges. As much as someone else’s life might seem ideal, we rarely see the hardships they endure.

Finding Solace and Giving Back
Diary, I’m reminding myself to focus on growth—not to match someone else’s story, but to create my own happiness.

And here’s something else I’ve been reflecting on: while focusing on my journey, I also want to find joy in supporting others. Should I meet someone walking a similar path, I hope to share in their experience, offering encouragement and understanding.

If I find my way out of the darkness, and someone else reaches out for help, I’ll offer what I can. It doesn’t have to be physical or monetary. Often, a willing and honest ear is enough. But if I can help further, I want to try my best.

In supporting others, we’re reminded of our own resilience and humanity. It’s a gentle nudge that we’re all connected, each navigating our unique journeys in the best way we can.

Thank you, Diary, for being my sounding board as I work through these thoughts.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you avoid falling into the trap of comparison? Share your story or tips below!

Day 17

I guess about change and opportunity

If there’s any word that just ignites discomfort and wracks my mind it has to be the C-word. Alright not that word most would think, but change. Bonus points to anyone who guessed correctly. It’s strange people think I handle it well because supposedly I’m considered to be an adaptable person. I’ll go along, if it makes sense, one will hear no protest, should there be concerns, sure questions will arise seeking answers to settle doubts all the while reassuring the other that I’m cool with it. Oh ok so maybe not so strange… But at the end of the day I think we as people end up getting comfortable in our positions in what’s going on around us, after all the hardship you know is the hardship I know how to deal with or even manage. It’s always so fascinating to think, yes if I did this or if I did that, I could be happier, but it involves change and for that the doubts run amok, knowing that if this happens, if the social environment is awful then would I be happier? It’s for all the uncertainty that makes change so horrifying – unless you’ve already embraced that feeling. After all some have found great successes and happiness through not only embracing change but engaging in it. But how does one do that exactly, what are the steps to doing so (maybe add here how this is done?) truly these thoughts come from reflecting on my career to this point. At many points and junctures, opportunities have come up, yes some were accepted begrudgingly or with heart full of doubt as some could be hard to refuse. But it made me think that although some situations were better than others and to a degree I’m thankful for the environment I’m in now it makes me wonder do I stay for much longer than I should’ve in some roles and scenarios simply because I’m comfortable even to the detriment of progressing or worse regressing? As Fridays typically have wrap up work or slow days I found myself remembering advice from a vice president of a company telling me it’s not wrong to stay in a role but it’s also a good idea to periodically check in with yourself on where you want to go or be since the worst thing you can do is wait till you’re miserable before looking for your next opportunity. If you do that, it’ll feel much harder and challenging, the stench of desperation may ooze out and cause people to pull away closing doors before you even try to enter. Alright that last part wasn’t really word for word but it’s how my mind processed it. So like I’ve said one could say I’m in a great position, have proven myself to be an asset as opposed to a liability. That with expertise I’m looked at favorably. But like I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, the negatives and frustrations – which I understand can be found anywhere, along with business changes and the like occurring that maybe it’s time to start considering the future because after all we shouldn’t wait till it feels like I have no choice other than to find another position or be thrusted into a role just for the sake of having a replacement. So my dear diary though it’s not my intention to just up and quit, cause that’s too much of a drastic change, I’m going to focus on the future where I will work towards being open to opportunities and change, to build additional skills incorporating them into my role to be able to speak to the skillset and how it was used and put myself out there. That if I don’t find a new role by the end of the year, I can still accept that I’ve learned new things and have taken a step towards knowing that I’ll be ok.

Day 16: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.


Dearest Diary,

Have you ever felt like sleep is playing an elaborate game of hide-and-seek with you? The more you chase it, the further it retreats. That’s where I find myself tonight, trapped in a cycle of restless thoughts and fruitless attempts to drift off.

What Am I to Do?
Here I am again, alternating between making friends with the ceiling and exchanging glances with the nearest wall. My thoughts run rampant, crafting fantastical bedtime stories that hold me captive. I know I need to sleep—work looms, and the misery of exhaustion during the day is inevitable. But even as the clock ticks away, my mind won’t relent.

I wish I could cocoon myself in my blanket, block out the world, and drift into oblivion. Instead, I lie here, wrestling with the nagging fear of oversleeping and the growing ache of frustration.

The Usual Suspects
Was it the caffeine? The overstimulation from digital screens? Or maybe the three-hour “nap” earlier today that’s throwing off my sleep cycle? Research from Sleep Health (2017) found that late naps can disrupt natural sleep patterns, pushing the body’s internal clock out of sync.

And let’s not forget the impact of overthinking. According to a study in the Journal of Anxiety and Stress Management (2021), racing thoughts can heighten arousal, making it harder for the brain to transition into sleep.

Whatever the cause, here I am—caught between begging for sleep and bargaining with myself.

A Shocking Solution
With every passing minute, my options narrow. Should I just stay up? After all, I could leave for work early and clock out sooner. But all-nighters don’t come as easily as they once did. And falling asleep an hour before my alarm will only leave me groggy and irritable.

Maybe it’s time to try something new.

Have you ever heard of shock bracelets? They’re exactly what they sound like—alarms that deliver a mild electric shock to wake you up. I first discovered them when spending the night with my ex. At the time, I thought it sounded torturous, but curiosity eventually got the better of me.

Months later, after struggling to wake up consistently, I decided to give it a shot. Setting it up was easy, thanks to the app. Testing it, however, was a different story.

The default shock was 30%, barely noticeable. So, I increased it—50%, 70%, 100%. It wasn’t painful, but it was definitely attention-grabbing. Enough to wake someone? I’m not sure. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Holding Out Hope
Now the bracelet is set, my alarm is programmed, and I’m bracing myself for the jolt. As strange as it sounds, I’m hopeful this might be the thing to break the cycle.

Sleep deprivation isn’t just frustrating—it can have lasting effects. Research in the Journal of Sleep Research (2019) shows that chronic sleep loss impairs memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation. It’s a reminder that finding a solution is worth the effort.

Diary, thank you for letting me ramble. My eyelids are finally feeling heavy, and I’m crossing my fingers that tonight’s experiment will be a success. Here’s hoping for rest and a fresh start tomorrow.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—have you ever tried something unconventional to get better sleep? Leave a comment or connect with me on social!

Day 15: Try

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.


Dearest Diary,

Have you ever felt stuck between wanting change and fearing the effort it takes to make it happen? That’s where I find myself today, halfway through January, surrounded by conversations about New Year’s resolutions.

Some people proudly share their progress, others admit defeat, and some stay silent, avoiding the topic entirely. It’s fascinating to me, really. As the saying goes, “Old habits die hard,” and building new ones isn’t any easier.

The Science of Habits
Habits are deeply ingrained in us, often tied to comfort or coping mechanisms. Research in Psychological Science (2018) highlights that building habits is most successful when tied to positive reinforcement rather than guilt. Perhaps that’s why this daily writing has been easier to stick with—it feels like a space to explore, not a chore to complete.

But I’ll admit, writing hasn’t always been easy. Some entries have pushed me to confront uncomfortable truths about myself. Am I too negative? Am I flawed beyond repair? These thoughts can be overwhelming, but they also remind me that growth begins with self-awareness.

This habit is about more than just writing—it’s about facing my past. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in it, and I’m realizing that to build a better future, I need to confront what I’ve locked away.

Why the Gym?
Another habit I’ve been grappling with is going back to the gym. It’s one of the most common New Year’s resolutions, yet also one of the hardest to maintain. Statistically, only about 9% of people feel they successfully keep their resolutions, according to a study by Statista (2022).

I used to go regularly in high school. But during college, life got busy, new habits formed, and the gym fell to the wayside. I didn’t think much of it until my own body started to change—a slow, subtle shift that no one seemed to notice but me. My closest friend once called it a mild form of body dysmorphia, and maybe that’s true.

The reality is, comparisons are everywhere—TV, social media, even in casual conversations. Over time, they feed into this nagging thought: If only I looked like that…

The Turning Point
Two years ago, something shifted. It’s a longer story that I’ll share another day, but it left me with a loss of appetite and a growing disconnect from my body. I didn’t starve myself, but I leaned into work as a distraction and tried to control what I ate. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t lead to happiness—or even the physical changes I hoped for.

Eventually, I came to terms with my body. I told myself I was fine, even if I didn’t entirely believe it. And then, last year, I joined the gym.

I told myself it was for me, but if I’m honest, the real motivator was seeing an ex. I wanted to look my best, and in a way, that was still doing it for myself. After the event passed, though, I stopped going. My goal had been met, and with it, my motivation disappeared.

Excuses and Anxiety
Returning to the gym feels daunting. There’s the fear of being judged—Will they notice how long it’s been? Will they think I’m just another resolutioner?—and the anxiety of not being perfect.

Research in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine (2017) shows that most people at the gym are focused on their own goals, not on judging others. Still, the internal narrative is hard to shake.

The perfectionist in me wants to avoid any chance of embarrassment. But I also know that growth requires vulnerability. I can’t let these imagined judgments hold me back.

Looking Ahead
So here I am, still trying to rebuild this habit. Today is Wednesday, and I’m 3 for 0 this week—not in attendance, but in the number of times I’ve sat with the nerves and thought about going.

I haven’t made it through the doors yet, but I’m learning to make peace with the hesitation. Each day, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to take small steps toward big goals. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I go. And if it’s not, that’s okay too. Progress, for me, starts with showing up for myself mentally—one thought, one decision at a time.

Thank you, Diary, for being a space where I can process these thoughts and hold myself accountable. Here’s to building habits that last and finding the strength to keep going.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!

Day 14: The Climb

The day’s end, another moment to reflect.


Dearest Diary,

Have you ever felt like the harder you work, the more is expected of you? Lately, I’ve been wrestling with that question, wondering how I ended up in this cycle of constant effort with little to show for it.

Sometimes it feels like people expect too much. When something appears effortless, it’s easy for others to assume it’s simple. The reality is, even the easiest tasks take time, and time is the most valuable asset we have.

The Weight of Disparity
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how time and effort often feel undervalued. Picture this: ten complex tasks completed within an hour, compared to someone else handling a fraction of that workload for a higher reward. It’s a disparity that’s hard to ignore, especially when the contributions feel visibly unbalanced.

Research in the Journal of Occupational Health (2018) highlights how perceived inequities in effort and reward can lead to burnout. It’s no wonder the frustration feels so draining—it’s hard to maintain motivation when the scales feel perpetually tipped against you.

A Familiar Frustration
Systemically, I understand there are flaws—a level of persuasion, maybe even manipulation, to get what you want in the workplace. Managers do it, and employees mirror it in their own way. But this frustration isn’t new. It lingered six months ago and likely even further back.

What makes it harder to process this time is the sense of being misled. I was promised that by taking this position, I’d quickly move up. Instead, when the next level came, the promises fell short. Yes, I made my case and received an adjustment, but it still wasn’t what was initially offered.

And now, I find myself training team members who’ve been here longer, all while earning less.

Interestingly, a study in Industrial Relations (2020) found that pay transparency often reduces feelings of inequity and improves morale. It makes me wonder how much frustration could be avoided if everyone knew where they stood.

The Cost of Raising the Bar
To circle back, being asked to take on additional duties feels like a slap in the face. What part of my already full plate am I supposed to clear without it seeming like I’m slacking? Through my own doing, I’ve raised the bar of expectations so high that if I were to match the effort of others, I’d be seen as underperforming.

It’s a frustrating cycle: trying to exceed expectations to prove worth, only to feel trapped by those very expectations.

The Illusion of Security
As the world shifts and industries face uncertainty, there’s a sense of comfort in striving for job security. But here’s the catch: job security, as I once learned in a psychology class, isn’t what people seek anymore. Instead, they focus on building skills—tools that grant freedom and opportunity.

Research in the Journal of Applied Psychology (2016) highlights how emotional comfort in familiar routines often outweighs the potential benefits of change. It’s a reminder of why seeking security feels easier than embracing growth.

The Fear of Change
Change disrupts the comfort of familiarity—be it the people, the routine, or the benefits. By chasing security, I’ve traded growth for continuity, adaptability for stability. It’s a hard trade, but it’s one I’ve willingly made for now.

Closing Thoughts
I know this is something I’ll need to revisit in the future, hopefully this year. For now, though, I feel a bit lighter having shared this with you, Diary. Thanks for listening as always.

Yours in letters, always,
Pandora

P.S. If you’re reading this now, welcome to my late-night musings. If you’re catching up later, I’d love to hear your thoughts—leave a comment or connect with me on social!